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I was not planning on having guests over for thnxgiving, the reason being that my GMAT is on the 28th. Therefore, I need to study, study study.
But, since Yao's friend came back briefly from his year long business trip, and is leaving the morning of my test, I budged.
As I expected, my obsessive-compulsiveness piqued as soon as I learned that people are coming over. I had the menu planned two days in advance. One of the reasons I absolutely hate having people over for holidays is that I feel pressured to have the food on the table, ready to eat when they walk in the door. So, I had a detailed schedule planned out. On the schedule, I planned out when I was going to make the cheesecake and how long would it take, what I was going to prepare while the cheesecake was baking (so I can pop it in the oven the minute I take out my cheesecake).
I finished the Spanokopita, and cheesecake completely, and assembled Potato Skin, and Chicken rolls half way the night before.
The second morning, as soon as I got up, I finished another detailed schedule of when to do what. Unfortunately, the husband was not too much of a help. I told him to clean the house, since he was all thumbs in the kitchen and I was not going to cook and give him instructions on where to find what.
After 4 hours of craziness, the food was on the table and ready to go when the guests walked in. Ahhhhhhh, peace at last. Now, my favorite part- watching people eat-till-they-drop, while Mozart is playing in the background. Very dramatic.
I've had my gym membership for a little over a year. Unfortunately, i've only been there a handful of times. Call it laziness, call it lack of determination, but there are day where I simply could not get the energy to drive myself to the gym, let alone, change, workout, swim, shower and drive back home. Yeah... it is laziness alright. So today, I decided not to flush my money down the drain anymore and went to the gym. I ran for 30 minutes, got off and started feeling surreal, like I was walking on clouds. That means my brain is probably shrieking for oxygen. When I was still in China (meaning 1st grade-ish), I use to be trained daily in track and field. I use to be able to run for hours without being tired! I must have been a super hyper active kid! Geeesh! I remember getting up at 4 am and hitting the track for 2 hours before I go home and eat breakfast. Was I not tired back then????? I remember my coach forced me to run in the rain and my immune system was strong enough to push me through that without getting a cold. Ugh.... I must be in terrible shape now. Well, being the generous person I am, I decided to buy a set of personal trainer hours. Sadly, the cute trainer I had a year ago is gone  and I am placed with the one female personal training, who I've been envious of forever. She has 0% body fat! Okay, I'm exaggerating, but she has no fat! Pure lean muscles! Now, when can I be like that......... I know I lack motivation and tend to cheat when no one is looking....  So, a personal trainer might just be what I need to get me motivated, a drill Sargent might work as well, but those hotties tend to be a little hard to locate for my personal use. Thus, I shall make do with my 0%-body-fat hot-mama personal trainer for now This is was my first run for the GMAT. After months of cramming, I still wasn't sure if I was ready. I hated the feeling.
So I was told to relax the day before the test. I tried, and failed miserably. I was so nervous and so edgy. My brain has flat lined and my heart was sinking into a bottomless pit.
I planned on getting up at 8, and get ready. Well, my mom decided to call at 6 am and wish me luck. Ugh! are you kidding? I don't know what I said and how I hung up, but I know I went back to sleep instantly. When I woke up later with a splitting headache and a brain that has thrown in the towel, I knew I was in trouble. Redbull didn't seem to jump start my brain...
When I arrived at the testing center, I could feel my heart accelerating. Oh great, just what I need. I took a deep breath, convinced myself that it would be alright if I flunked it miserably. I could try again in 30 days. I used all those good ol' relaxation tips I've given to clients before. Haha, now I know they don't really work all that great. So, I went in the elevator, pressed 5th floor and in the meanwhile, I'm still trying to calm down. I went into the restroom prior to going into the proctor room. An old Filipino lady was inside, I nodded and tried to move alone. She asked me if I was taking a test, so I answered "yes". She asked me what I was taking, so I told her. I was bewildered as she grabbed my arms started crying and telling me how nervous she is. She clutched on to me and asked me to pray for her. I did comply..... but now I was more nervous than ever!!!!
I didn't know what in the world I was doing when I was checking off those answer choices. I was pretty much brain dead. Yup! And I got a miserable score. So much for my first time taking the GMAT..... geeesh...
Lesson to be learned:
Don't tell your mother you have a test!
Turn off your cell phone!
and NEVER EVER use the restroom on the same floor as the proctor center!
Alright, I don't mean to sound like a downer, but this constant state of rain is literally driving me insane!
I mean, I get it, it fall, cold front encounters warm front and BAM! here comes the rain. But a WHOLE month??? Give me a break! It is already more than double the average amount for the past years!
I wouldn't mind seeing sunshine ONCE in a while! No, really! I wouldn't mind! I hate getting up everyday and seeing clouds. This is Chicago, not some vampire possessed little town in Washintong State.
"rain, rain go away, come again another day"
最近發現自己好友里多出來一群"實用主義"的男男女女
病名:實用主義
癥狀:患者最常見病狀是無事不登三寶殿
平常和他/她說話從來愛搭不理, 用一個字回答. 例如:忙, 哦, 等....
無數年后,忽然哪天 msn/qq/fb/kaixin/xiaonei你了, 第一句話就是 "我問你哦"
(媽媽的呀!原來此人會用 兩個以上字造句!)
當然, 一般問的都是特白癡的問題. 例如: 美國LV多少錢, 美國哪個大學讀研究生好, 你在
xxx 公司認不認識人, 美國房子貴不貴啊, 你老公公司招不招人啊, 你說讀這個專業在美
國能不能找到工作啊... 等等 等等
患者明顯表現出缺乏家教. (你媽沒教過你問東西之前要寒暄? 我又和你不熟, 寒暄少于
5分鐘的特權是reserve給我朋友的)
病理分析:
此類患者平常覺得自己特nb, 覺的沒用的人都不理. 沒事msn你一個 還覺得特別給你
面子. 此類病屬于好久沒有照鏡子, 缺乏自知之明, 自命不凡, 目中無人 綜合為一體的非
典型性病種. 此種病的患者 會誤認為 朋友=有利用價值.當然, 沒有利用價值的人=浪
費時間的人.
治療方法: 先去找個鏡子照照看,知道自己到底是幾斤幾兩. 多問問別人的反饋讓自己對
自 身有個全面的認識. 對自己有個全新的認識后 就能明白一條真理少tmd去煩別人,
沒 人愛理你
問問提前請 想明白, 你對別人也沒什么價值, 所以很有可能得到單字回復.
如果真的想問問題也是可以的, 你tmd能不能先google一下!!!!
問這種sb問題是浪費別人的腦細胞和生命.
coco從收養到現在2年半左右了吧.
期中我和coco就成了寵物醫院的常客.從感冒,角膜炎, 跳蚤, 拉肚子, 膀胱結石 還有無數
的小病....
老公一直告訴我"把coco送回收養中心吧, 她不喜歡和我們玩 也不和表表玩會很郁悶的",
"coco經常生病我們不能給她最好的醫療條件". 每次都被我回絕了.
7.8.09
今天看書回來 看到coco在沙發上大口的喘氣, 舌頭都紫了. 我趕緊抱去急診. 開車去的路
上coco在我懷里不停的大叫, 不停的抽....我崩潰了...
送進急診后我就坐在大廳里一直哭, 兩個小時后醫生告訴我 coco胸腔積水, 要住院. 我
雖然做好心理準備, 但是看到賬單心里還是緊了一下....
回來的路上, 我自己知道最理智的決定是把她送回收養中心. 他們有自己的醫生可以給她
最好的治療. 跟著我只能繼續受罪.
可是心里還是不甘心, 還是告訴自己這次以后coco就不會生病了! 感情上完全接受不了把
coco送回去.
在急診室, 醫生破格讓我去急救室里看看coco. 看著她憔悴的躺在氧氣室里 我心都碎了
.
我開始責備自己當初不該為了自己開心去收養她, 讓她跟著我一直遭罪
對不起 是我沒照顧好你, 是我照顧不好你 所以你才會一直生病. 誰讓媽媽沒本事賺錢給
你看最好的醫生, 跟著我真是苦了你了
7.09.09 收到電話后, 我打電話叫了我弟弟陪我去醫院.... 我知道, 我一個人扛不住了. 開車去的路上, 我的淚水不停的流. 路過加油站的時候, 我停下買了包煙. 已經戒了好多年的煙, 但是我知道今天該是破戒的時候了. 開到急診室, 在大廳里看到別人抱著狗狗貓貓 我心里說不出的難受, 因為我知道 coco不會再看到這個大廳了. 前臺小姐把我領到12號房間 就去氧艙里抱coco了. 幾分鐘后, coco裹著厚厚的毛巾被抱進來了. 抱她進來的護士 眼角掛著淚 給了我一個hug, 告訴我別自責 然后說 "coco is very lucky to have a mother like you". 看到coco在我懷里憔悴的樣子 我開始嚎啕大哭. 護士每5分鐘來檢查一次coco的情況. 我知道我剩下的時間不多了. 雖然護士和醫生一直告訴我 想呆多久都可以 別著急, 但是我看到coco的皮膚在慢慢的變紫. 我出門的時候給她帶上了她最喜歡的小餅干, 但是她聞了聞 沒有吃. coco在我懷里還是像以前一樣抱著我胳膊 把臉放到我胳膊和身體之間. 眼神還是一樣的無辜 清澈. 醫生進來問我要不要再抱coco回家看最后一次.. 可是她那么虛弱 還能經得起路上的折騰嗎 1個小時后, coco的膚色已經變得發紫了, 我急忙叫來了醫生問安樂死的問題. 醫生和護士很耐心的給我講了過程 還有問我要不要火化coco. 在我簽完所有的字后, 醫生拿著針進來了. 我知道我和coco剩下的時間只有短短的幾秒了. 我緊緊的抱著coco, 告訴她媽媽愛她, 天堂里會有好多好吃的, 她在天堂還能看著媽媽 隨著針管里 藍色的液體越來越少, coco低下頭安詳的睡著了, 她最后一次舔了舔她的鼻子. coco就這樣睡著了, 她走了. 我感覺房間開始旋轉, 我弟弟抓著我 大聲的說 "姐, 吸氣!" 護士接著進來拿了一個新的毛巾給coco裹了起來 然后放到一個紙做的小棺材里. 我看到她放進去了一個卡片 給了我一個hug就出去了
然后給我了coco病歷上的一個sticker 上面寫著出生日期 體重 什么的
sticker上被護士和醫生寫了好多祝福的話
我打開coco的小棺材看了看卡片
是他們后面集體醫護人員寫的 "rest in peace coco, we will all miss you"
回家的路上, 在車里我看了coco的病例.....
2007年8月12號生的... 下個月她才2歲
診斷為淋巴癌.
體重6.8磅
品種 ragdoll
顏色 巧克力和白色
名字 Coco Song
弟弟幫我在后院里把coco埋了, 這樣我能天天看到她
安息吧 coco, 天堂里沒有痛苦, 沒有病痛, i know God will take care of you better
than I can. 我知道天堂里別的貓貓都會很喜歡你, 我希望你能吃得慣那里的食物.我知
道, 等我去那里的時候我們還會見到, 你還會是我最愛的貓貓
"In Our Darkest Hour. In My Deepest Despair.
Will You Still Care?Will You Be There?
In My Trials, And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts, And Frustrations
In My Violence, In My Turbulence
Through My Fear, And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."
---Michael Jackson
The death of Jackson marked the end of an era. We watched as his skin
turn from a shinny chocolate to a pasty white, we watched him dangle
his baby on the balcony, we watched as he moonwalk on stage, we cried,
we laughed, we cheered.
An idol for a generation passed, alone with our dream to hear him sing again.
We
treated him as a sideshow in the last years of his life and followed
his stories in the tabloids, but the influence of his songs never left
us. Our focus shifted oh-so-subtly from his music to the skin on his
nose. Have we forgotten the memorizing moment the first time his
melody beat against our ear drums?
Every 20 some year old can at least hum the song from Free
Willy. It captured the heart of every listener, and left Michael's
unique touch.
Coming home from Six Flags yesterday, it was inevitable to eavesdrop the blasting Will You Be There swirling out of the van next to us. How familiar was the sound! It was more than just a song, attached was childhood memories. I could remember like yesterday when I watched the end of Free Willy
over and over just to listen to that familiar song. Astonished, at age
7, by the grace radiating off of him and energy exuding from every move.
This morning, in an useless attempt to retain a tangible part of him,
I searched BestBuy franticly. But just like the King himself, they
were gone without a trace.
It is hard to accept that stars, as a matter of
fact, are mortals as well. Stepping out of the limelight, they aren't
much different from you and me.
Just like Teresa Teng, Elvis
Presley, John Lennon; Michael left us, but leaving the joy his songs brought to our
hearts and many master pieces to be replicated. His legacy goes on.
We will miss you,
Hats off to the King.
我新學的一句山東話
"被美國給提了"
這句話用來形容世界上現在的形勢最恰當不過... 被美國給害了.
當然生為一個大半拉的美國人, 我家的經濟也不太樂觀.
房子降價.... 好吧... 我不換房子!  汽車跌價.. 我眼不看心不煩!  好多人被炒魷魚... 我本來就不上班... 不管我事! 
但是..... 股票.... oh my god!! 在我家我家的"股神"張, 多個無眠夜的鉆研下... 我家的股票賬戶以比劉翔還要快的速度沖向零  當然... 到零也要有一定功夫的.. 除非是我們買到"jackpot"-下市的股票 否則歸零還有點困難...
那么.. 恩... 就極限吧... 什么定義來著?? 無限靠近與一個點, 但是 永遠不到達那個點.
在這種什么都很熊市的情況下 保持樂觀, 積極向上的心態 真是不容易啊不容易.
每次好不容易心情好一點, 看到我的退休金和股票賬戶... 我的心情直接噗通一下就蹦極了
今天去逛街無意中看到一個杯子, 上面寫著 "future millionaire". 看過后, 我淡淡的笑了一下, 覺得好幼稚... 然后就繼續逛了.
走過兩個aisle, 我還在想那個杯子... 真是有夠好笑的... 一個杯子上寫寫就真的能成為millionaire了嗎???  忽然間, 頭上的小燈泡忽然亮起來!  在這種時候 要得不就是有希望和盼望嗎? 可能keep running的理由, 只是一個dream. 但是一個dream足可以給一個人enough determination to make a difference.
attitude! 沒錯!when everything is collapsing, the thing that keeps us looking above and beyond is our attitude!
繞道回去再看看那個杯子... 好便宜... 買了! 回家泡茶用!
從大陸瘋回來后 上傳了無數照片, 老公不停的說我自戀... 好吧 生為一個女生我只有短短幾年的青春可以讓我自戀... 我自戀一下下 木有關系滴
更何況我只是初級班的自戀呢~~~
本來我的space是不上鎖的, 第一次上鎖是因為老公的過去式會偷看我的space. 雖然說也沒什么啦, 但是還是有被偷窺的感覺 然后咬咬牙給鎖上了!
這次所傷的原因是, space上的猥瑣男太多了!!!! 從給我發信騷擾到加我msn騷擾的不知道有多少個了.
最搞笑的是一個土耳其的愣是看不懂我space里寫的是英文.... 堅持和我說法語和西班牙語.....
前一段在一個朋友的harassment下, 我開開了開心網
一個猥瑣男是我大學同學的同事, 在開心網上加了我
然后不停的問我是哪里人, 是不是嫁到的美國, 到底怎么到的美國, 在美國干什么...........
忍無可忍我問他到底point是什么, 他說"想認識你啊"
為了讓他知趣, 我把我和我老公的照片上傳做頭像..... 誰知道人家開始打聽我老公 然后拿他自己做比較.... 瘋了....
最后次無聊男 把他電話發給我 讓我到北京要找他玩.
我想也沒想就把這個人給刪了, 誰知道人家 兩天后發消息問我干嘛刪他......
這年頭, 男人的臉皮怎么比長城都厚! 難道中國女性scarce的問題已經到了這個程度嗎????
死纏爛打的男人開始越來越多, 任女生怎么罵人家都嬉皮笑臉的
難倒雌性激素吃多了?
男人吸引女人的就是穩重 和鋼陽之氣
死纏爛打, 嬉皮笑臉像李蓮英一樣的男人只能稱為垃圾中的垃圾.
男人, when your answer is a NO, take it, and walk away with your dignity.
1.有次房东问我 did u eat anyting yet? 我说no.
她听后重复了一遍 so u didn’t eat anyting. 我说 yes...
房东老太太犹豫了下 又问did u eat ？ 我说 no. 她接着说 so u didn’t eat .
我说 yes ......
估计她当时要崩溃了
2.刚上班不久，有个公司的A/R打电话来催支票，我循例问了一下他是哪间公司打来的，那男的很有礼貌的说：“This is xxx calling from Beach Brother." 听懂了很开心，不过由于对公司名字还不熟，心想先用笔记下来公司名，省得等下忘记了，正得意忘形之间，顺嘴开始拼写人家公司的名字，还说得一本正经： "b.i.t.c.h......bitch, correct?"。。。。。那男的终于还是没能忍住怒火，近似于怒吼似的对我喊道："NO!!! B.E.A.C.H.....BEACH!!!!!!"
接下来的一年里，没再跟这间公司又过任何生意往来......汗
3.读语言学校的时候， 1哥们很爱讲， 和esl老师聊天l练习英语， 口沫横飞了半天， 那老师很生气的说 dont speak chinese to me.
4,打工的时候，有一个长得很高很壮的老外男的想约我出去，我对那种长相的人真的不感兴趣，又不知道该怎么拒绝，最后说了一句：I’m only sixteen. 他疯了。
5.我男朋友以前在温哥华乘skytrain的时候，一个白人女人说：I am sorry. 他直接说: you are welcome. 对方都呆了。
6.我一个朋友,想在家做饭,家里没有油,就去超市买了一瓶回来,开火,放油,然后锅里开始出现大量泡沫,接着烧了起来。。。回头一问房东,他买的是洗洁精。。。
7.第一次跟老外去打painball，玩的是抢旗的那种。 由于第一次玩，一直跟着个看起来很专业的队友跑， 一路上躲着子弹跑到对方的base. 我们人都挂了，对方就剩一个人在看老家。 就听那老外跟我说了一大堆术语，我也没听懂。 他看我没听懂就跟我说：it’s easy just cover me when i go out. 说完了就喊了一声 cover me! 然后跑了出去， 我也不懂他是让我掩护他， 没等我想清楚他就跑了。 我就顺手从一个箱子上扯下来一块帆布，丢他头上 ，把他盖住了。结果他就光荣牺牲了。当时大部分人都挂了，在旁边观战。所有人都笑趴了。
8.刚来，迷路了，问一外国小姑娘回家的路
人家告诉了我，我本想说thank you来的
结果说成了 fuck you
人家小姑娘脸立刻就白了
......
后来，我都说thanks， 不敢说thank you了，到现在都是
9.上次不知道是什么事情把我惹怒了,情急之下我本来要说: FUCK YOU!! 但是却说成FUCK ME!!! 那来外开始愣了一下, 后来他说: u wanna say fuck me ?? OR fuck you?? 晕...我连吵架的气势都没了.
10. 讲一个我老公的笑话：去年过情人节，我让他买点牛排回来。出门前怕他忘记了，就给写了一张纸条。吃饭的时候他说他去LOBLAW买牛排的时候，给店员说来 两块T-BACK牛排，店员愣住，他以为店员没有听清楚，又重复了一遍，T-BACK STEAK PLEASE！店员这次听到了，顿时石化！我老公见店员愣在那里，连忙把我写的纸条递过去，那小伙子一看，上书：T-BONE STEAK！这回轮到我老公石化，尴尬不已了！
11.一个好朋友刚来加拿大，有一天口渴了想喝可乐。去到便利店很大声的说EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE COKE? 可是我朋友刚出国，英文尚有很重的口音，好端端的COKE让她说出来就变成了 EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE COCK？ 店主听得一惊一乍的，连连说：WHAT??? WHAT ? 最后店主终于弄明白她想要喝可乐，钱货两清之后，见我朋友多半是初来乍到，还很好心的给我朋友说以后去买可乐不能再问别人有没有COCK了，那样很让人误 会！本来我朋友完全不知道发生了什么事，可是店主解释以后恨不得立刻找个地缝钻进去！后来很长一段时间都不喝可乐了！
12.剛來的時候有一次跟一個兄弟去吃饭，那大哥吃飽以後指著滿桌剩下的碟子一邊劃圈一邊問服務生how much, all this, how much？服務生五官扭曲的看著他。。。。。我最後實在忍不住了，告服務生說他想買單，結果服務生走以後他還不爽，說人服務生就快明白了我打什麼岔。。。
13.我刚来的时候邻居小孩看见我跟我说what’s up. 我疑惑的朝天上看了半天然后说了句up？那孩子顿时无语。
14.老黑跟我说的是sup.......我没听懂....我也回, 瑟~~~
15.刚来的时候看到很多大厦门口都有 smoke free..... 我由衷的感叹..加拿大就是好,抽烟都免费
...朋友那个汗......
16.还有一次是去MC, 问朋友 圣代 的英文怎么说, 他就说是音译 sundae, 我茅塞顿开, 恍然大悟,十分自信的说了一句....那 奶昔 是不是叫 nancy ???? 朋友当场喷可乐.........
17.小学在国内刚学英语的时候 有一天老师问大家土豆用英语怎么说?
全体同学很整齐的回答 "today"
18.第一次打电话叫TAXI......
对方问where you from.....我回答CHINA,还在奇怪叫taxi还分国籍~?对方可能以为我在搞 笑,很郁闷的说 sorry, we can not do that.....我一听...火大...怎么有种族歧视啊..就问: why~?对方楞了半天,挂了.....
19.我朋友的事, 有一回，她去买pizza，人家问她选配料。
她想要mushroom，结果她说MashMaro(流氓兔)，人家疯了~~
20.说一个听来的笑话
刚到US的朋友,到了纽约,想去看自由女神,但是不知道路.于是乎在路边抓了一个白老
--Hi, do you know where is the free woman?
白老愣了半天,支支吾吾
--I... don’t know...Tell me when you know it.
21.写信 From / To写反了，邮了两天回到自己家...................
22.有一天去kfc, 要土豆泥，不会说，就在那里根cashier苦喊potato sauce,
她以为我sb呢，
然后，丫给我了7,8带ketchup........
被鄙视了~~~~~
23.在加拿大帮老外拔火罐,但是罐很容易掉，我的英语不好，我解释说you have too much fur.他听了之后大笑 ：it is hair ,not fur, fur is for animal.我也大笑了起来。
24.有一天看见我住的HOUSE门前插了个人照片拍子，以为房东要卖房,照片上的人是房产经纪。
第二天日，突然发现，周围一片都被插上同样的牌子，心想这个经纪厉害。出去转了一天感觉不对，所到之处都是他在卖房，太NB了，还没见过一夜 之间全城的房子都给一个经纪垄断了.....................................研究一下才知道，妈的，选举广 告..........汗
25,朋友老爸跟一鬼佬吵架，鬼佬骂FUCK，他恶狠狠回：DOUBLE FUCK 猛啊~
26.我朋友刚来的时候不认识什么人, 所以在班上试图交朋友, 一日, 觉得一白人哥们人挺好,
于是想要人家电话号码,日后做朋友, 于是问:HOW MANY IS YOU PHONE NUMBER?
白人说:TEN. (加拿大号码是十位的)
27.有个人来还钱，去银行说从他哪里直接转账过来，他是这样说的：“put my card money to her card”
- -||...... 然后看到那个bank的职员， 整个五官扭成一团。。好好笑
28.刚来的时候，去BURGER KING去吃饭，点完汉堡，人家问我要酱不，我说要，人家问，哪种？我忘了番茄酱咋说了，想了半天，想出了个JAM，人家还听不懂，最后一赌气说，IT’S UP TO YOU.
29.刚来去ESL,跟老师请假后去JOB FAIR.回来老师在班上问如何?
我想说太多老外. 答了: TOO MANY FORIENGERS!
老师说: YOU ARE THE FORIENGER IN CANADA.
30.刚来加拿大的时候去酒吧玩。。而且还带了一个美美去的，她在国外呆了很一段时间。。。我看她很吊的样子， 于是我就装的很帅， 走过去打算请她喝酒， 于是我问她，喝什么酒， 她说。。sex ON THE beach...但是当时很吵，我也压根不知道酒吧里都啥酒名， 听成 son of bitch...当时我也愣了下， 然后吧台很性感的bartender已经在等我叫酒， 我回头大声地喊，can i have a son of bitch....... 接下来。。我不想再回忆
31.有一次聽到同學在打電話投訴rogers亂收費，打的是英文客服，結果越罵越激動，最後來了一句I am very HUNGRY now!
那老大原本是想說I am very angry now。。。。。客服啥反應我是不知道了，那老大講完自己就石化了，我已經倒地了。。。
32.在homestay住 然后想洗澡 跟房东说了后 房东说 go ahead 我当时寻思 去个头 的意思是能去 还是不能去啊
hahahah!!!!!!
33.有次买车票,工作人员问我 one way? 我回答：No,two way....他又问了我几遍 我的答案还是一样的。。。结果那人很郁闷的看着我~~~后来才反应过来自己还在中文的思维中~~~我把他的意思解释为One way=一位？ 我们是两个人，所以two way=两位
34.第一次去唐人街吃粥，当时服务员都讲广东话。我 叫了个果子（油条）和一碗粥。不久服务员就端了杯桔子汁， 我以为送的， 什么都没说， 粥都喝完了，油条还没来。 准备结帐时和服务员抱怨没吃到果子。 服务员说：你的”果汁" 不是喝了么
35.突然想起还有一个朋友在语言学校时的东北一小哥的笑话，不过那男孩是好心。。
那天那小哥下课快到家了，结果看到两辆车撞了，他就出于好心报警了，“Hi， My name is XXX, a car fucked a car, I see red water ,plz cal Wuliwuli come"
解释一下，a car fucked a car 就是car crash, red water他是想说blood,wuliwuli是ambulance,因为ambulance的声音是这个。。。
其实他是想说：there’s a car crash here, someone injured plz call ambulance come over. 最搞得是，police竟然听明白了，警车和ambulance马上就到了。。。牛啊！！！
36.我的一个朋友说，当时他一个不懂英文的朋友刚来多伦多，自己一个人出去了，迷路了然后打电话给他，他说没关系你把你现在呆的地方路名拼给我听，他朋友一个字母一个字母地拼出来了“S ---T--O--P",我那朋友当场就乐傻啦！
37.刚来上发现老外都喜欢用铅笔，所以去book store跟风买铅笔和橡皮。找不到橡皮就问do you have ruber. 人家笑笑说让我去phamacy买。郁闷。。。为什么去药店买橡皮，去了药店问do you hv ruber.人家笑笑拿给我一盒避孕套。我倒~~！！原来加拿大管橡皮叫eraser.
38.刚来的时候 经常说you too....结果我生日那天 我的homestay mom 买了个生日蛋糕给我，还跟我说happy birthday...结果我很快的就来了句 you too...
39.还有刚来加拿大的时候去买快餐，英文很烂我就说i want combo one,后来那个人又说了一大堆英文问我要洋葱cheese么之类的？我听不懂就一个劲说i want combo one,后来我看见那个人像中国人，我就直接问他Can you spell Chinese? 然后那个人郁闷了好久我为啥问他能能拼chinese..后来才发现是speak不是spell............丢脸
40.想起来一个 是一同学第一次去吃McDonald
结果进去后一紧张，大声说了句:i want to this han baobao，边说边指
对方一时不知所措，我那同学又重复了n遍...
41.小时候不清楚Family跟Husband 的分别, 上学没多久老师问我"衣服很好看, 谁买的?" 我居然弱弱的答"My Husband".
42.有个朋友来加拿大第一次去吃牛排，服务员问How would you like your steak done? 我朋友没听懂，就听别人点的时候说medium , 他就想“我不能跟他们学”。
他就跟服务员说，large please.
服务员一愣，说sorry we don’t have that. 然后他又说，small please.
服务员又吓了一跳，说sorry wedon’t have that.
他身边的朋友着急了，告诉他，人家问你牛排要几分熟。、他随口就说，80% 。服务员又一愣说，sorry we don’t have that............
43.刚来没多久，BMO打电话给我介绍很多关于银行服务得东西，我一直答:" ok,ok,ok" ，然后她一直说一直说，说了大概10-15分钟，似乎讲完的意思，我完全听不懂，然后说了一句" sorry, i don’t understand." 最后换她说了一句，"ok" 然后就挂线了!
44.刚来加拿大的时候，去学校上课谁都不认识，然后中午自己吃饭．听同学说有家的咖啡很不错，然后就想去买．然后走错地方了，跑一个法国餐厅了，然后就坐下来了,点了个最便宜的。
吃完饭,不知道咋埋单。然后看到隔壁桌有个男的说....bill
就听到bill这个词了，然后就把服务生叫过来说
i am finished，bill bill～
然后还顺势用手做手枪的手势给那女的看
然后人家吓坏了。。。然后叫了俩男的过来 把我朋友也吓坏了
解释了半天 才出去。。。
45.貌似e-mail也很多人出过笑话，有此我上课时，我们老师要给我们发邮件，就让我们一个一个说下邮件地址，轮到我，我直接顺口就说 XXXX圈儿msn点儿com，然后周围几个中国同学暴汗~~~~~
46.一次坐公车，准备下车起来时，不小心碰到了旁边的人，然后下意识的说不好意思，结果那人看着我，什么反映都没有，然后我才意识到，赶紧改口说SORRY.
47.陪朋友去配眼镜,朋友在两副眼镜间挑选,我想问"which one is pricy?"结果说成"which one is spicy?".卖眼镜那女的蹬大眼睛望着我......好在我马上改正.
48.我陪朋友去买车，当天逛了很多车行，留的电话全是我的
大家都知道，车行啊餐馆啊打电话给客户的时候都是以超级快的速度说了一大串东西，刚闯加拿大的我怎么听得清楚啊
某日，电话铃响，看电话号码是好像BMW打来的，愉快接听。
-- Hello ·#￥%……—*#￥%, It is a great day. @#$%^
--Hello, is it BMW?
对方停顿两秒，声音低两度（估计暴汗）
--No. It’s Toyota and Lexus
。。。。。
这个估计和在麦当劳柜台问肯德基在哪儿差不多
49.还一个我妈的。。。我妈一天晚上从超市回来开车，天黑了，倒车的时候，突然喊了句。。。“妈呀，前面的车无人驾驶啊。。”我楞了，仔细一看。。。是个小黑在开车。。。
还有我爸一个，跟我爸妈去超市，看见一个好像南美洲的人，我爸说，“你看人家买东西，不看价，啥都要，都往小车里拿。。。。”后来我才明白，那是超市理货员，人家是把不该放那的东西拿走。。。
50.过关的时候，因为带两个不同颜色的隐形眼镜，海关人员问我怎么回事，当时不会说隐形眼镜，就直接去下来给他看
周围的人都看着特郁闷
51.以前在澳洲读书的时候，有一次，上语言课，老师让造句，意思是没有车的话，我们就不去了。 我一同学直接起来回答： NO CAR NO GO！！！
52.有个ESL的女老师，在白板上写字，我冲她的背影大叫“excuse me, sir."
她转过来说" i need to consider which washroom i should go."
53.还记得刚来CA没多久, 周末和几个好朋友去当地的farmer market 凑热闹, 过2天回学校上课，老师问我们周末都有什么活动? 其中一个去的朋友的英文发音实在不敢恭维, 而且是女生,根本不懂英文的脏话，直接就跟prof说: we went to fucker market in weekend. 我听了差点吐血.........
54.刚来的时候去麦当劳吃饭 没有餐巾 然后跟人说要paper 那人过会给我拿来了张白纸 还问do you need a pen? 我狂晕了半天 然后去厕所洗手的
55.同样发生在麦当劳.
我的某人初来报道.跑到M记买面包.之前表现很是不错,一直维持到服务员问here or to go?.第一次接触外带餐这词,还好思维敏捷马上明白过来了,可是嘴上紧张,对着那男服务员直接喊出"Let’s go!"......服务员石化1秒后,说了句K.
56.刚到时不知听谁说的，加拿大的公车是感应的，你站到后门就能开，我们一溜人下车，其中一个女孩走最前，她脚踩下去后看门没反应，就想， 这的老外都那么大体形，是不是因为她太瘦小了，分量不够，门感应不到呀，于是她又上来一个台阶，然后重重的跳下去（其实俺们没拉绳，人家哪知道有人要下车 呀）。。。
57.去吃麦当劳，指着上面的套餐点了个看着顺眼的，人老外问我要喝什么饮料，当时不知道是个套餐，想着还是省钱吧，俺不喝了，就说不用不用，人老外还特地道的问 a u sure? 我还不知感激的心里想“就不买，就不让你们赚” 哎。。。亏了
58.學校當時强迫要星期天去教會, 聽不懂那個牧師說話, 禮拜完了的時候,我老師很好心跟牧師說我的新學生,祝福他吧,然後牧師把手放我肩上說了一堆#$%^$$#,我不知道怎麽react~~~我也把手放他肩上~~~~~~~~~老師嘴巴變O型了
59.我一朋友，中午去吃汉堡，厨子问他要加什么，他说：tomato, cheese, and washroom ( mushroom) . 当时所有人流汗到地 -_-
60.一个朋友给我讲的
他刚来的时候去M.C 说了一句“i want a combo 1”
就听casher 说“@#￥#@……%……”（因为不习惯听不懂）
我朋友就说“yes”
然后casher 又说“！#￥%@#￥%”
我朋友说“yes”
后来后面的一个中国人实在忍不住了
告诉他“他问你是要刷卡还是给cash 你yes啥呀？？？”
汗
61.还有我听朋友讲的。他们一起上ESL，有个大哥每天都坐第一排，特认真的听课，然后有一天老师看他这么认真，上课就主动和他讲话。老师说： how are you?他说：twenty-two.老师忍了下说：what did you do yesterday? 他说：yes......从此老师再没和他对过话~~~
62.我朋友刚来，坐公车。有个传教士类的人特友好的跟他打招呼，说How is going. 他说go to school~~~~~那个人一下就不会了。。。
63.刚上初中那会儿第一次去学校厕所而且一般都要和OFFICE里的人报告就屁颠屁颠地跑去了，一到那里是个白人大妈值班看到我问我要干 啥。。。我想想说厕所【washroom】是不是太土了点就和她说：Where is the bedroom located? I need to pee。然后就看那大妈瞪着我问：excuse me? 我就特傻地继续问：Bedroom, u no where u pee and poo =.= 大妈想了想就微笑地和我说：I’m sorry honey we don’t have a bedroom in school, but if u r looking for a bathroom it’s down the hall. 我当时就汗了，把bathroom说成bedroom =.=|||
64.来的第二年了，我去商店买鞋，然后拿着就去问营业员：is this made of beef or pork ( 俺的意思就是猪皮还是牛皮的），那个营业员的表情到现在都记得。
65.刚来，去SENECA 体育馆打羽毛球，不会说羽毛球， 连手势带比划，看门小姐还是不懂。 急了！！！
大声的说： i want a ball can fly, like a bird. please !
看门小姐一脸迷茫的跟我说了一堆。 我还是没懂。同去的朋友告诉我说：她不负责抓鸟。
66.我舅舅刚来多伦多没多久发生了车祸。警察来了问他当时的情况。他说 I stop, he not, so "BONG" ! * BONG* 就是那 撞车的声音
67.剛來不久和爸爸去買東西，買了之後發現隔壁賣的更便宜，就想退貨。 人家問爲什麽要退，我詞量有限，就指著我爸說:" he just wants his money back."
68.刚来的时候地理老师叫 Mr.Saker
我叫成了Mr.Sucker
后来地理查点没pass
69.刚来英国的时候跟一个女生去银行开户，一个银行职员很亲切地走上前来，还没开口说话，就听那女生说“May i help you?”职员当时就石化，我就在后面拉她衣服，她侧头跟我说，别捣乱别捣乱。然后又对人家说了一次“MAY I HELP YOU”
70.刚来的时候我们三人行，好朋友，两女一男。有天合伙去市场，那个男生想买茄子，上来就问“how much for one kilometer?” 我和另一个女生觉得太丢脸，默默的闪开装不认识他
71.某某老公刚来的时候英语很不好，坐天车的时候不小心踩了一个白人女的的脚，结果他想躲开的时候不小心又踩了那女的另一只脚…… 然后那女的就瞪着他，他想说“IM SRY”结果一着急就特别大声的说成了“IT‘S OK！”然后那女的就也特别大声的回他一句：“IT’S NOT OK！！”全车人都疯了……
72.一个朋友, 才来英国不都是要去警察局注册嘛，我那个朋友当时英文不是一般的差，他连警察局怎么说都不知道。但是他还是很有勇气，一个人打算去警察局注册。走在路上， 他随便抓了一个老爷爷，想问说警察局在哪里。但是他发音不标准，把police说成please，那个老爷爷挣扎了半天，听不懂～于是他着急了： “please啊，wear hat, use gun！”一边说一边还比划动作。终于那个老爷爷听懂了，然后回答他：‘you want to find police? they are everywhere!" 他更着急了，于是大声说“ no no no, i want a group of please, they stand together...."那个老爷爷这次真的听懂了，原来他是要找police station！于是老爷爷把他带去了，还对police说这个从中国来的小伙子英文不好，他需要帮助.
73.朋友的男朋友好猛，他刚来的时候去超市，人家问他要不要cash back，他还以为买东西还有钱收，就说要！ 人家问他要多少，他就跟人家说：as much as possible !
74. 她去SHOPPERS买掏耳朵的棉棒 一边做掏耳朵的动作一边问 DO U HAVE CONDOM STICK? 店员巨迷茫的2手一摊WHAT? 我朋友立马使劲掏耳朵CONDOM啊,CONDOM STICK啊...演了半天,店员恍然大悟DO U MEAN COTTON Q TIPS? (CONDOM:安全套)
75.说个我朋友的， 他叫李硕，刚来英国第2天有个老外问他说：r u sure?
他想都没想还笑嘻嘻的跟人说：yes , i am shuo lee！
76.刚来的时候，住一个寄宿家庭的男生非要请我吃饭，结果就去了麦当劳
他问我你要什么，我帮你点。
我说我就要第一个的那个meal 就行。他说行，我跟你吃一样的。结果老哥上去就跟人家说“Number one two." 点餐的白人听不懂，他跟人家大声地重复了三遍，他自己还特生气。
77.我有一朋友刚来，长的不错，遇一阿×搭讪，那哥们特直接，张口就问我朋友：R u married? 我朋友楞了下，来了句：I am not MARY, I am SHERRY. 她以为人家问她你是MARY吗?
78.我想起来我一同学第一次来英国正好遇上入关检查特严，她妈妈让她给这边的一个朋友带了个金华火腿结果被狗狗闻出来了就被领取office了……
然后officer就要她解释用报纸包起来的东西是什么……
我那同学说leg……
然后那officer一脸被吓到的表情，问了句"Pardon" ....
然后我那朋友很大声重复说leg！
她说我当时想那officer怎么连火腿都不懂，还特地在腿上比划了半天leg啊leg就是leg啊……
79.刚来的时候和朋友打电话去必胜客 。。。 他菜单上面是 super supreme 我就很激动的对着电话喊 我要一个 super super me !!!! 对方茫然 我还激动的大喊了好几声 super super me ! 对方继续茫然啊。。。 拼出来以后 对方才说哦哦哦 super supreme ..... 一年都没有再定必胜客的东西
80.在网上看到一个人说他同学刚出国闹的笑话，问他最近干什么，他说去看电影，然后问他有什么好电影，他说过两天有一部电影叫“COMING SOON”。
81.当时来英国不久,逛街的时候路上总有很多人发传单,所以就习惯性的会说:NO,THANKS. 结果有次人家给的是新年宣传纸,然后还跟我说:HAPPY NEW YEAR. 然后我很快回答:NO, THANKS
82. 刚来的时候想找份PART TIME的工作，看到有招工的，还有电话，我就打电话过去。。。当时刚来这里，好怕打电话。。。之后人家接电话，我一激动就说成： do you need a job?
83, 上英語課.跟同學做interview....
我問她喜歡做什麽..她說...hanging out in the cafeteria with friends...
我當時就奇怪...為什麽她喜歡吊在餐廳呢?
然後我去問那個助教...
我還做了嗰吊死的動作....
她看到後...笑到瘋了....
我卻很無奈....hanging out...
84.第一次去超市买胶卷，拿着Durex的果味condom隔着半个超市对着朋友大叫：I found it here.
85.当时不知道微波炉怎么说，然后跟人比画，然后最后再补充“叮”一声。。。那人先是惊了一下，后来还是知道我们说的是微波炉
Alright, while i was in Chengdu, I successfully convinced my dear fiona to come to beijing and see me!!!!!
i know! im simply irresistable!
anyways, the first day the team got to beijing.... and the first place we decided to go was ....... xiushui market!!! woohooo!!!
I met up with fiona at the market and went to eat with her at NaChia HsiaoGuan... it is suppose to be manchurian food... so not bad not bad!!
next day, after church, while the rest of em wanted to go to Great wall, i bailed out. I mean i've been there before and i'd rather go to Forbidden city! So, my dear old James and i met up for lunch and had one of those..."remember back in the days" chat.
Monday!!! this is when Fiona moved in with me at my hotel!!!! we talked and talked and talked, as well as shopped and shopped and shopped. We ate at all these awsome restaurants and shopped daily at the market.
I did get to meet some old friends such as leo, Joey and Libao. It was nice seeing everyone again after all those years.
Yeah, this is another one of those no brainer posts.... but yeah... get over it! sorry but this is gonna be in english.
Before I start... I would like you guys to know.. I HAVN'T LOST STEVE YET!
The original plan was to fly from Chicago to New Wark and out to Beijing. When we arrived at the ticket counter at 4am, the girl told us the flight was cancled and we are rerouted to United. Unfortunaly, she made a mistake in her procedure that made us unable to get on that plane and therefor missed every single connecting flight! Steve and I were stuck at Ohare!
When we got back to Continental, a new girl helped us. She literally looked through every possible company that flies into China. Sadly to say, all of them are full besides NWA. Taking that rout, we flew to St.Paul-Tokyo-Beijing. We've already missed our flight to Chengdu when we got to Beijing, we were 8 hrs late.
We decided to get a hotel in the terminal and moved our tickets to 12:30 of the next day.
I was a little disappointed at Beijing. I was expecting great weather and no polution. Well, it is much better then the last time I was here, but the visibility just wasn't all that great!
After a 2 and half hour flight to Chengdu, Steve started to stand out like a sore thumb. People were following him at the airport. Since we missed a WHOLE day of activity, we just went to Katie's and ate. It is 3 am right now and I am just so excited that we are going to the EQ Zone today!!!! well.. part of the reason is also... let lag!
We've met with some local staff last night. Katie, who is caucasian, spoke perfect Chinese... wow!! She even arranged days for me to go shopping! Now how cool is that!!!!
Now, the city of Chengdu is a smaller city in the inner China area. They speak a different dialect and everyone moves at a slow pace... but the cars here are just waving in and out of traffic without stopping.
on our way out of the airport, we saw a car that was trying to get on to the expressway from the exit ramp. The taxi driver was just funny! He started talking to me in Sichuan dialect, I starred a him and asked if he speaks mandarin, he said one thing in mandarin and went back to talking to me in whatever language he used before. So I felt like a broken record asking him to speak in mandrain over and over and over and over. The weather here is pretty ridiculous. No sun at all! I thought it was just a cloudy day until Katie said... its like this everyday!
now, i am looking fwd to try the FOOD here! after all they are well known for that! Most of the restaurants open after 3pm and closes at 4 am.
but yes! more updates after i get out of the zone
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Day 2
Will have to update later
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Day3
Yes! this is my 2nd day in the earthquake zone! I am in the least effected city- DuJiangYan. After a sleepless night and tossing and turning in bed remembering the faces of the students I've talked to I decided to fwd the money Eunice gave me to the teacher of the students. The heart breaking stories haunted me all night, and I believe that money should go towards those that needs it the most. I caught Lily between our busy schedule and asked her about the students we talked to the night before. She told me these are the ones she hand selected, these are the ones that are experiencing trauma from the quake. As we talked more, she was in shock to learn one girl in my group that is grieving is putting on a forfront of being extreamly optimisstic, thus, it lead Lily to think she doesn't need any counseling.
After breakfast, we went to a local kindergarden to do some dental check ups, and I was talking to the teachers about problems they are experiencing. The first teacher was such a sweetheart. She told me her cousin died in the quake and they were extreamly close. The day of the quake she was on the first floor while the kids were talking their mid-day nap. She ran outside when the quake happened, and realized immediatly the kids are all sleeping! She ran back while the ceiling was falling apart and started pulling kids out. After several trips, she was too tired, so she took two kids in her arms trying to protect them. The kids asked her to run, and she answered I am just too tired! But I will protect you! I had a hard time holding back my tears while listening. She told me her bf is in the army that was sent out to rescue people from the debris, while aftershock was happening.
The few after her shared with me how their family started fighting and became $ oriented after the quake. It is so unfortunate that people have to get double whammied with the quake and family falling apart at the sametime.
The kids were MIGHTY fun! I had such a great time just entertaining them. A few of them started crying when they saw our group members, because they were white.
The college students were following us around, because we were the first foreigners they've ever seen. One of the girls that we had as our interpretors were asking TONS of questions. One of my team members asked her about her parents. She answered that her mom is a factory worker. As usual, he asked again about her dad. The responds of the girl really surprized us. She started choking, and said "I don't want to talk about it. We had the earthquake." I felt so bad! We didn't mean to trigger her painful memories!
__________
Today is one of those days that EVERYTHING goes right!
first of all, my best friend from college called me as soon as I got to work. it was good to talk about all those stupid things we did back in college. I missed the days where we uses to all meet up at his apt and play majong, and those days he would pick me up for school.
After that, we decided to have a group chat with anther one of our old clique buddies! it just felt so good to "relive" those college years, even if it is brief. He did mention that we use to hangout daily and now... and now we all went back to where we came from, tw, hk and chicago.
besides that, one of my client is proposing to his gf tomorrow!!! He came to me in a depressive state, crying over the man-slaughter attempts by his ex-wife. I've watched him cry, being angry, ask God"why me". I've witnessed him putting his foot down and say, I will move foward. I cannot express just how proud I am of him! All those hardwork he has put in really paid off!
Two other clients had miraculous events today as well...... I am so thankful to God, that I am of use to these people and change was witnessed before my trip. A growth in faith! 1.一天深夜，一个年轻女子经过一家精神病院时，突然后面传来“哇”的一声。女子扭头一看，一个一丝不挂的男子正在向她追来。女子吓得拔腿就跑，后面的男人紧追不舍。不好，前面是一条死胡同，女子万念俱灰，跪在地上哭着哀求道:“你愿意干什么就干什么吧，只求你不要杀我。”男子狡黠地笑了笑说：“真的？那现在你开始追我。”
2.精神病院里，有两位在交谈：“我的小说怎么样？”“不错，就是出场人数太多。”此时护士冲他们嚷道：“嘿，你们俩快把电话簿放回去。”
3.蜘蛛和蜜蜂订婚,蜘蛛感到很不满意，于是就问他的妈妈："为什么要让我娶蜜蜂？"蜘蛛的妈妈说："蜜蜂是吵了一点，但人家好歹也是个空姐。"蜜蜂也感到很不满意，于是就问她的妈妈："为什么要让我嫁给蜘蛛呢？"蜜蜂的妈妈说："蜘蛛是丑了一点，但人家好歹也是搞网络的。" 蜘蛛和蜜蜂结婚后,起初很幸福。蜜蜂说：啊真好，我能吃到肉了。蜘蛛说：啊不错，我能尝到蜜了。后来总吵架，蜜蜂说：整天不出去，就知道弄你那个破局域网！蜘蛛说：整天出去溜达，蹭一身化妆品都直掉渣！终于和好了，可是,蜜蜂总埋怨：你也太封闭了，总在自己的网里呆着，能不能上上外网和外面的蜘蛛交流交流啊。蜘蛛叹口气：唉，你不知道啊，公司限制了，实在是不能上外网啊。
4.美国士兵接到布什的悬赏令：捉住一个伊拉克士兵，可得十万美元！于是米歇尔和尤里开始在巴格达附近搜寻。几天劳顿下来，两人精疲力尽，躺在地上就进入了梦乡。当米歇尔醒来时，发现他们四周被五百多名持枪的萨达姆共和卫队包围着，他急忙推醒尤里喊道：“快起来，我们发大财了！”
5.一个农夫的女儿长得实在是太丑了，嫁不出去，农夫只好让她去玉米地当稻草人吓唬乌鸦。结果到那儿后，她不仅吓走了乌鸦，甚至还吓得三只乌鸦把以前偷的玉米送了回来。
6.一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。他不放心的问道:turn left？监考官回答：right.于是他立刻向右转。很抱歉他只有下次再来。
7.某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.老外应道：I am sorry too. 某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
8.有一只小白兔快乐地奔跑在森林中,在路上牠碰到一只正在卷大麻的长颈鹿,小白兔对长颈鹿说:“长颈鹿长颈鹿,你为什么要做伤害自己的事呢? 看看这片森林多么美好,让我们一起在大自然中奔跑吧!”长颈鹿看看大麻烟,看看小白兔,于是把大麻烟向身后一扔, 跟着小白兔在森林中奔跑.
后来牠们遇到一只正在准备吸古柯碱的大象, 小白兔对大象说: ”大象大象,你为什么要做伤害自己的事呢? 看看这片森林多么美好,让我们一起在大自然中奔跑吧!”大象看看古柯碱,看看小白兔,于是把古柯碱向身后一扔, 跟着小白兔和长颈鹿在森林中奔跑.
后来牠们遇到一只正在准备打海洛因的狮子, 小白兔对狮子说:“狮子狮子,你为什么要做伤害自己的事呢? 看看这片森林多么美好,让我们一起在大自然中奔跑吧!”狮子看看针筒,看看小白兔,于是把针筒向身后一扔,冲过去把小白兔狠揍了一顿. 大象和长颈鹿吓得直发抖:“你为什么要打小白兔呢? 牠这么好心,关心我们的健康又叫我们接近大自然.”狮子生气地说:“这个混蛋兔子,每次嗑了摇头丸就拉着我像白痴一样在森林里乱跑.”
9.小白兔和熊瞎子走在森林里,不小心踢翻一只壶。壶里出来一精灵,说可以满足它们各三个愿望。熊瞎子说,把它变成世界上最强壮的狗熊。它的愿望实现了。小白兔说,给它一小头盔。它的愿望也实现了。熊瞎子说,把它变成世界上最漂亮的狗熊。它的愿望又实现了。小白兔说,给它一辆自行车。它的愿望又实现了。熊瞎子说,把世界上其它的狗熊全变成母狗熊！小白兔骑上自行车,一边跑一边说,把这只狗熊变成同性恋。
10.一个老板酒后，心情非常高兴，吹着口哨，开着心爱的奔驰600在公路上行使，这时，他发现路边停着一辆农用拖拉机，并且有一个人在摆手。于是，他停下车，原来，这个拖拉机坏在路上，想找人帮助拖走。老板今天心情非常高兴，便答应了。两个人同时约定好，如果拖拉机打右转向灯，请继续开。如果拖拉机打左转向灯，请停车。然后，老板开着奔驰600与拖拉机一起上路了。（当然开的很慢了）突然，一辆宝马轿车从后面以极快的速度超过他们，老板一看，非常生气，怒骂到：“还没有人敢超我奔驰600的呢！”于是，他马上挂高档，急踩油门，奔着宝马就追了上去。（因为喝了酒，他已忘了后面还拖了一辆拖拉机）老板很快的追上了宝马，正当他们以280迈的速度飚车的时候，被路边的一个交通警察发现了，想拦已经来不及了，连忙拿出对讲机，跟下一路段警察联系：“喂，喂，喂，发现两辆车在飚车，速度非常快，一个是宝马，一个是奔驰600，请你拦阻他们，不对，是三辆车在飚车，后面还紧紧的跟着一辆拖拉机，并且拖拉机还打着左转向灯，想超车。
11.甲：你那只会说话的鹦鹉还活着吗？乙：唉，别提了，想不到我养了一星期，它就死了。甲：是病死的？乙：不，它和我太太比赛说话，说到力竭而死。
12.一农民到某汽车销售中心，只见他掏出２０００元人民币往桌子上一拍：“给我来辆桑塔那”，营业员大惊：“你的钱不够啊”，农民不解：“外面不是写着‘桑塔那２０００’吗？”营业员：“哦……那您出门往右拐，那家公司的奔驰才６００～～！”
13.某球队队员添了一个小孩，所有队友被邀请参加洗礼，来到教堂。突然孩子从母亲手中滑落，守门员果断地扑出，在离地几厘米的地方接住了孩子。大伙儿鼓掌欢呼，守门员习惯地拍了两下，接着熟练地大脚开出。
14.母亲对女儿说：“今天你去练习烹调，弄两样菜，我教你。黄鱼，要把稻草扎了头烧的。笋要切快，每切一刀，转一下。”女儿答应而去。停一回，母亲到厨下去一看，不禁大惊。只见女儿的脑袋上，用稻草扎着。身上在地上只管旋转，转一转，把笋切一刀。她一见母亲， 叫道：“不得了！头晕了！”
15.路边停着一辆宝马，属违章停车。警察过来，贴条儿，抄单子。哥们儿从商场出来：“你丫不就是警察么，牛什么啊？不就会贴条儿、抄单子么！”警察看他一眼，没说话，继续抄单子。你要真牛b，甭贴条儿，你直接叫拖车拖走！”警察看他一眼，还没说话。“牛什么啊！除了贴条儿吓唬我们你们还会什么！牛b你拖走！”警察抄完单子，打电话，叫拖车。拖车来了。警察看着那哥们儿。“嘿，你还真牛啊！你真牛，你拖走啊！借你俩胆儿！”警察一摆手，拖走了。警察看他两眼，想劝劝他，往后别这么叫板。哥们儿一翻白眼儿：“你牛b，待会儿你等车主来了你告诉他,你把他的车
拖走了！”
16.上大学时有一上铺夜里梦话全是英语，过了一会儿，没动静了。下铺于是就说了句：“Repeat Again”大约五分钟后，上铺就又开始英语梦话了。
17.有一位爱鸟人士他特别喜欢鹦鹉，有一天他经过一间鸟店发现里面正在拍卖一只鹦鹉，他看那只鹦鹉毛色很好看决定要买，于是他喊道：“我愿意出10美金买下这只鹦鹉！” 接着有人喊价：“我愿意出20元美金！”那位爱鸟人士不愿把那只鹦鹉拱手让人，于是他又喊了30元……可是另一个声音像在跟他作对，一直到那位爱鸟人士叫了200元时才停……
那人买到鹦鹉很高兴，可是他突然想到：我花了那么多钱才买到这鹦鹉，如果它不会说那我不就亏大了吗？于是他就去问老板：“老板……你这只鹦鹉会不会说话啊？”
接着他听到鹦鹉大叫：“不会说话？！你以为刚刚是谁在跟你喊价啊？！”
18.一只蚂蚁看见一头大象向它走来，它把身子埋在土里，只漏出一条褪，兔子问它为什么，它说，嘘，别出声，我拌死那个狗日的！
第二天，兔子看见一只大象把自己埋在土里，只露出一条腿，便好奇地问为什么，大象一下子眼里涌满了泪水，委屈地撇了撇嘴："昨天那该死的蚂蚁把俺兄弟拌倒摔成了植物象，俺要替俺兄弟报仇！至少也拌他个精神分裂！"
19.在一节快速行驶的地铁车厢里，某人客气地对身旁的一位女士说：“车厢真黑，请允许我为你找扶手吊带吧！”不料那位女士冷冰冰地说：“我已经有扶手吊带了。”“那么请放开我的领带吧！”这个人气喘吁吁地说。
20.多年前，传呼机还算比较稀罕的时候，有师兄A买了传呼机，师兄B说，要试一试看，好使不？遂打电话到呼台：小姐，请呼******，站在那里不要动，等我们过去打你！小姐大惊：这种信息我们不能发。B师兄坚持：就得这么发！不一会儿，呼机响起，拿起一看：有人要打你，你快跑！
21.神经病院有一位老太太.每天都穿著黑色的衣服.拿著黑色的雨伞.蹲在神经病院门口. 医生就想:要医治她.一定要从了解她开始. 於是那位医生也穿黑色的衣服.拿著黑色的雨伞.和她一起蹲在那边.两人不言不语的蹲了一个月. 那位老太太终於开口和医生说话了:请问一下……你……也是香菇吗……?
22.我坐在最后一排睡觉，旁边即是教室后门，每次下课，都是同桌把我叫醒，然后我径直走出教室沐浴阳光。某节课中，老师破天荒的叫我回答问题，酣睡中被同桌叫醒，我起身即推门走出教室，五分钟后，我在教室外感觉环境异样，随即快步赶回教室，全体师生做惊恐状。
23.升旗仪式校长作思想报告：“....我就是中国人民的儿子。”底下同学：“我是中国人民。”
24.我班的一个女孩在后排，在听随身听，耳朵堵着所以说话声很大，对她同桌说：老师过来告诉我一声。几乎所有同学都听到了。老师也不例外，看看那位同学，然后说：我不过去。
25.老师问：“微积分是很有用的学科，学习微积分，我们的目标是什么？我：“没-有-蛀-牙！”
26.老师：“男同学站在我左边，女同学站在我右边，其他人原地不动。”结果就老师一人没动。
27.初中，某数学老师讲方程式变换，在讲台上袖子一挽大声喝道：同学们注意！我要变形了！
28.我初中老师讲题目喜欢用投身其中。“我的底面半径是20CM，我的高是50CM，那么我……”下面有人说“是饭桶……”全班爆笑……
29.物理老师跟校长说：“你知道不知道单单一个顺时针和一个逆时针我就教了几节课？五节课啊！我告诉他们如果还不明白就看看手表，时针往哪儿走就哪儿就是顺时针，反过来就是逆时针。可是，全班数过去，不是手机就是电子表……我不辞职我就一学期都教他们这两个词语啊？ ”
30.音乐老师对校长说：“我在上课，示范一首歌。唱完后同学们全部鼓掌。我开始很高兴，可然后他们大喊着：‘老师，太棒了，你是所有老师里口技最好的，我们第一次听到这么像的鸭子叫！’”
31.美术馆里有一幅描写亚当和夏娃的画。一个英国人看了，说：“他们一定是英国人，男士有好吃的东西就和女士分享。”一个法国人看了，说：“他们一定是法国人，情侣裸体散步。”一个苏联人看了，说：“他们一定是苏联人，他们没有衣服，吃得很少，却还以为自己在天堂
一天，茄子走在大街，忽然打了一个很大的喷嚏。它抹了把鼻涕生气地说：“可恶！又有人拍集体照了！”
一个水池里有30个青蛙 就一个穿裤衩了 为什么？（因为他是搓澡的！）
有一个猪，它走啊走啊，走到了英国,结果他变成了什么?----Pig.
上课老师抽查背课文,小猪,小狗,小猫都举手了,老师会叫谁?－－小 狗，因为旺旺仙贝．
蝴蝶, 蚂蚁, 蜘蛛, 蜈蚣,他们一起工作,最后哪一个没有领到酬劳?－－蜈蚣，因为无功不受禄．
动物园里大象的鼻子最长,那第二长的是谁呢?－－小象．
哪种水果视力最差?－－芒果．
哪两种水果有手机?－－萝卜青菜，各有索爱．
一只乌龟从一堆大便上走过，却只在上面留下3个脚印,为什么？－－有一只脚捏着鼻子呢．
如果有一辆车,司机是王子,乘客是公主,请问这辆车是谁的呢?－－如果的
金木水火土，谁的腿长？————火腿肠
眼睛蛇和大象约会，寒暄一番后说：“来就来吧，还牵这么大头猪，客气了。”
一个黑社会老大在巷口睹住一个年青人，问他：一加一等于几。年青人很怕，想了很久说：等于二。黑社会老大连忙掏出手枪杀了他。走了时候丢下一句：你知道的太多了。
我想，只要我再稍微具有一些谦虚的品质，我就是个完美的人了。
有一天,绿豆跟女朋友分手了。他很难过,于是他不停地哭呀哭呀,哭呀哭 呀......结果......发芽了。～～～
警察:“说,你叫什么~？” 犯人:“我叫成龙。” 警察:“你怎么不叫陈真,给我把态度放端正了~好好说你叫什么~？” 犯人:“我叫陈真。”
两只水母在海边相撞在一起, 水母甲:「搞甚么嘛！你游泳不长眼睛啊！」 水母乙:「甚么是眼睛啊？」 水母甲:「我也不知道,上次和别人撞到的时候他这样骂我的。」 水母乙:「喔！是这样喔！」
小学自然课，老师告诉我们膝盖那里轻击的话会有膝跳反射。我回家后拿个锤子在我爸膝盖那里锤了一下，结果我爸站起踢了我一腿。结果证明老师说得没错！
假如有一天我变成流氓，请记得告诉我我曾经清纯过。
人生的第一句谎话是从小学写作文开始的，而真心话是从写情书开始的
格林兄弟在写《白雪公主》时很有预见性，里面最后拯救了白雪公主并和她一起幸福生活的男人名叫“白马王子”。而现在的女同胞们都想找到心目中的那个白马王子，为什么捏？因为白马王子的拼音简写就是——BMW，还是Z系。
一男要跳楼，其妻大喊道：“亲爱的别冲动，我们的路还长着呢!”男子听后，嗖地一声跳了下去。警察说：“你真不该这样威胁他!”
大便跟小便是好兄弟，有一天大便过马路被车撞死了，小便就说：我好想大便啊…
小明："妈妈，同学都说我头好大。"妈妈："瞎说，他们都是坏孩子不理他们。去，帮妈妈买栗子去。"小明："用什么装？"妈妈："用你的帽子啊。"
先在脑子里想一个数,乘以二,再加上五,然后减去最初你想到的那个数,再乘以八,减去五,然后闭上眼睛,什么都看不见了,对不对?
某同学暗恋一位每天放学都会遇到的PLMM，但苦于没有机会接近。 一日跟踪MM到一家拉面馆，终于鼓起勇气跟她说话:“同学..............你叫什麽？” MM:“牛肉面。”................................................
有一人走着走着摔倒了,他爬起来继续走又摔倒了.于是他说;早知道,我刚才就不爬起来了
细雨落到小河上 小河便起了一层鸡皮疙瘩
什么卡通人物最专情?回答： 美人鱼(因为她不会劈腿)
小明呢，明天就要考试，但晚上却在看电视
小明妈妈就担心地问：书都看完了吗？明天要考试啊
小明就爽快地回答：妈，我看完了。
小明妈妈就很开心的赞扬小明：乖，那明天你一定考得很好呢
小明哭着说：妈，我是说，‘妈，我看，完了’。
小A对小B说: 挖塞 ....外面下雨了也！！ 看到没
小B很兴奋:是啊 我看到了 你呢
小明上完厕所回到教室跟老师说：
厕所有好多蚂蚁，
老师忽然想到蚂蚁的英文ant这个单词，于是测试小明：蚂蚁怎么说？
小明一脸茫然.......说：
蚂蚁他…………什么也没说…
一天，三只小猪为了躲避大灰狼的追赶，而建造了三个小屋。大灰狼不费劲的吹毁了草屋、木屋、砖屋，三只小猪们拼命的跑，但是还是被大灰狼追上了。
三只小猪绝望地说：你看着办吧。我们放弃了，随你怎样。
此时，大灰狼*笑着，流着口水说：那快告诉我小红帽在哪里？
这位跳水运动员的动作难度很大，他做了一个转体三周接前空翻三周半接后空翻一个月
自从3个礼拜前被病人传染了感冒, 我就没舒服过一天.
看来当年我的选择是对的, 死也不当医生! 就我这体质... 唉 在医院上班的话 估计早就病死了.
这三个礼拜, 从扁桃体发炎, 到鼻窦炎到气管炎 全部都害了一遍... 鼻窦炎刚好气管炎就开始了. 咳嗽了一个礼拜不说, 嗓子还哑了. 每天上班我的supervisor steve都很关心的问, 好点没有? 其实嘛... 我也知道他担心什么... 就是去了汶川, 空气再差一点我估计就会失声了. 10多个presentation, 和无数的counseling, 如果我失声了 谁来做? 我自己也压力大死了. 做了那么多准备工作, 总不能到地方因为失声了就什么都不做了啊!!! 烦死了, 早不生病晚不生病 偏偏这个时候.
说起现在的internship site, 也是喜忧参半吧. 因为steve很欣赏我, 所有的事情几乎都是我在打点. 从管实习生和见习生, 到administrative所有的工作 几乎我都在管. 病人我优先挑. 不爽的是.. 唉... 连休息的日子也要加班........ 每天在家都会收到email让干这个 干那个. 礼拜五吃饭的时候, 另外一个intern过来对我说 "why do you have to work all the time? people like you make the rest of us look bad." 吃力不讨好啊!!! 他的活我在做, 竟然还说我! 没天理的......
今天和一個大學時期的女朋友聊天. 曾經我們有很多的話題...
今天在msn上看到她就順手點開一個窗口 say hi.
客氣話過后,說起我的工作. 沒錯, 我這行就是拿錢少又累的要死的活. 正常人不來找我們, 不正常的人又黏住不放手.
她說, 應該和我老公說說讓他養著.
this triggered my thinkng.....
女人, 為什么要別人養呢?
男人養寵物, 也可以養女人嗎? sorry, 但是我不是寵物 不用別人養.
不少身邊的女友, 畢業后找個男生 然后在家當太太. 或者找個男友讓給自己買房子買車....
親愛的, 難道你都樂那么多年的書不能讓你找一個decent paying job嗎?
很多女生認為找到一個男人不用上班就是幸福...
親愛的, 當退休后時候別人說自己的成就時...你會不會覺得低人一等呢?
女人不是寵物, 為什么還要被人樣呢
I got my bday gift yesterday. Even though I found out about it almost a month ago, since my husband's co-workers slipped. But i do have to say that i am extreamly happy with the increased thoughtfulness of my hubby!
its the heart that counts! not the surprize!
and to all you mosy people out there... he got me an IPOD nano. :D 还有2个半礼拜就生日了.
你说过吧... 就是承认自己又老了一岁
不过吧... 又太亏了... 没有礼物和蛋糕了!!!
所以! 我打算... 年年过24岁生日!! 這個年代當女人真不容易
要有BA, BS 最好是 MA MBA
要有經濟頭腦
要分得清什么是好男人什么是垃圾
要通情達理
要會持家
要會教育孩子
要會時間管理
要tech savy
要知道各種品牌的外語發音
要會外語
要會做飯
要懂得support 老公
要會自娛自樂
要明白不能重色輕友
要懂得mutual fund
要自信
要會保養
要明白對自己好是真理
要知道靠男人不如靠自己
最重要的是, 在每個月最痛的時候還依然要優雅,得體, 大放
誰說做男人辛苦來著~!?~?~?!
I have two cats in the house, whom decided to open my sliding screen door and invited their little "friend" in for a house party. Anyways, after sitting on the floor and witnessing the little creature ran right pass my legs, I freaked out.
First attempt..... I tried to give the little thing a heart attack by screaming. Which didn't work.
So, we move on to the second. I grabbed the two cats and threw them in the room where I saw the little mouse. Since I didn't know they were accomplices, I expected them to have some sort of reaction. All evidences led me to accept they were not going to help me with this problem. I ran to the store looking for some sort of "mirical cure" for this devestating event that has ruined my afternoon.
My options are rather limited due to the fact that I have to lazy bum cats at home. Poison should kill the darn mouse... but my cats might eat it, and I don't want to flip my house upside down looking for the dead carcass which might rott and invite in more maggots. I looked at those wood snappy mouse traps, but I know for sure one of those cats will want to touch it and end up with a broken leg or something. Alone with that, I don't want to see guts all over my house.
I first bought the Tomcat set, which came with two clip-ish snappy things, a live trap and two adhesives. Now adhesives are totally out of the question, since I don't want to get up at night rescuing my cats. I waited for a whole entire night and NOTHING! Now, I am seriously paranoid to the point that I couldn't sleep last night and too scare to walk around bare footed around the house.
After reading the reviews, I decided to up my game. I got Victor's electonic mouse trap, which will supposedly zap the little thing when it goes in. After struggling on the battaries for what seemed like eternity... the lights blinked on!!! Now I am just waiting to see the dead body inside.
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